To be honest, I wasn’t planning on writing this, or anything like this, ever. Especially to put on my website… on the internet. There’s a sense of vulnerability that I’m not exactly comfortable with, but hey, here we are. Cheers!
Theres a mid life, and a quarter life.. but 30 life? Maybe I am making it all up in my head..but in the last three or so months, I have had this very large and very prominent pull at my heart to do every ounce of everything I’ve ever wanted to do, and some things I didn’t even know that I want to do. For my business, for me personally and even for other people. Maybe this is part of getting older and actually realizing that we don’t have that much time here.
It is scary. I have so many things I want to accomplish and so many things I want to do, the fact that I haven’t had this much worry in my heart until now is saddening. What’s going on to make us forget that our lives are actually slipping away day by day as we watch a TV show, or scroll up and down and back up again on social media? How is this life not relevant? Why haven’t I thought this much about it until just recently? Why aren’t we born and taught to put a larger emphasis on this life that actually matters, you know, like living it?
My main assumption is: we are naive, we are all young, blinded and raised in society to put more priority in driving a nice car or having our 5000 sq ft houses set in place rather than actually enjoying our lives. It makes me physically sick. To be fair, it isn’t all our fault. We have our own conscious mind and have the ability to make our own decisions., however, we are flooded with fake goals and fake lifestyles on a daily basis. Whether through our phones, television or even the news. Knowing how much I edit photos of anything I post, I am here to tell you, mostly, everything you see on any type of screen is not real life. Queue the moment last year when I decided I no longer needed any TV.
This year has been big for me, and maybe it was because of growth or the fact that something hit me mentally (somehow) but suddenly, I sort of stopped caring. I got rid of 80% of everything in my closet, started selling everything I could that I didn’t actively use, and started making bucket lists for things that I wanted to do. I’ve kicked A LOT of people out of my life that have been more of a drain, than supportive. It’s honestly quite sad when you have to accept that a lot of people in your life don’t actually support you, and as great as it feels to have a little more space for positive people, it doesn’t make missing the others any easier. I wish we could tap people on the shoulder and say, hey, can you be a better friend, relative, person? I want to keep you around, but you sorta suck. If that worked, our world would be a much happier place.
I have gained empathy for others in a way that makes me emotional, and although I don’t think it is a bad thing, it has affected how I feel about people in my life who I notice- lack empathy. This is hypocritical, right?
I’ve been on this whirlwind to do all of these things; whether it’s traveling, bettering myself, reading more, working 23 hours a day, eating less ice cream, or cutting people out. This hasn’t been easy, as most frequently, we are not the sole person in our life. People take offense to you being true to yourself, especially if you start to figure it out how I did; reactive to whatever I reacted to, and in a panic to establish and meet life goals in the first year I turned 30. It is a selfish behavior and a selfish thought process, theres no way around it. People ask more questions about how, and why now, because it isn’t comfortable when someone that has been so similar, isn’t any longer. Conversations change, and even if your friends and family are pretty opened minded, being proud to tell them you’re doing your own thing and giving up everything (which I realized really isn’t.. anything) because “it’s what I want to do”, is still sure to come with a look of disdain. Thats okay, though. It really is your life. They don’t have to understand it, as long as you do.
Another thing. I don’t give bar tenders the option to not card me. I look 19, ya hear? Someone asked me last week if I was older than 21, and I was scared to death to say anything other than, “yessir”. I have met a lot of people the last few months that are YEARS younger than me, and so far ahead of where I am in my career. While I am beyond thrilled for them, I feel this piece of me that is mad at myself. Ok, so you’re 23 and doing your own thing, have your own business, living on your own in the city and traveling to different countries three times a year.. and your parents are not footing any of the bills. I was drunk most days during the 23rd year of my life. College, anyone? I’m not saying I should have had some direct plan and known exactly what I wanted to do at 23, but the fact that it has taken me this long to love what I am doing, and to now be going through this “ahhhh I have to do more more more, work more, take more jobs, meet more people, connect, connect connect!!!” How did I get so off course to have slept through what I feel I should have gone through at the age of 25?
Speaking of sleeping…
I feel guilty for sleeping longer than 4-5 hours a night. It sounds nuts, but I can be doing so many different things during the night, and don’t even get me started on sleeping in. It’s gotten so bad, I’ve spent the hours between midnight and 4am reading random articles learning about geography, psychology, how to communicate better, and of course.. how to be a better photographer. Considering I have never had any trouble with throwing my life away day by day in the past ( see years 21-26 ), it boggles my mind that it is so extreme and so sudden. So if you notice that I’m doing more than I used to, traveling more than I used to, meeting more people than I used to.. this is why. I’m going through some weird situation in which I feel like I must soak up every moment I can, and enjoy those moments.
However, I believe this will make me a better photographer; I want to work with people that appreciate that I value my time and theirs. I want to be a part of other peoples lives and have a positive impact on them. It’s also been helpful, because I have been able to turn down some jobs that I knew weren’t going to benefit me or the client, as I wasn’t the right type of person they were looking for. Knowing that is a great feeling.
So now that we’ve all established I’m a nut, am I the only one? Has anyone else gone through this?